
| 1:15 AM
Romance in car video goes viral
Growing up, I hated school and studying.
Well, I hated most studying. But I loved two local sports teams: the University of Maryland Terps —specifically, the
basketball team—and my beloved Washington Redskins. Somehow I acquired an
impressive body of knowledge about these teams, even as I continued to get
lousy grades in school.
While class work was mostly drudgery,
learning about the Terps and Skins was effortless joy. I loved to watch them,
think about them, read about them, talk about them, and listen to games on the
radio. To absorb everything I possibly could about these guys—to study them—was
rich food for my schoolboy's soul.
Why was that kind of learning so easy for
me when formal education was so hard? What made the difference?
Passion.
No secret there. What we love, we want to
learn about. And what we love to study, we come to love even more. That's just
the way God has wired us. I loved the Terps and Skins; so learning about them
and growing in my zeal for them was a totally natural process.
I still enjoy following those teams, but my
strongest passions now lie elsewhere.
My highest and greatest love will always be
reserved for God, for when I was His enemy and worthy of His righteous wrath,
in His great mercy He sent His only Son to live a perfect life and die a
perfect death in my place. But after my love for God, nothing compares to the
passion I hold for Carolyn, my wife.
Because I have this passion for her, I have
studied her. I've noticed and noted details about her. All kinds of details.
Everything from the kinds of snacks she likes, to what certain facial
expressions reveal, to this one particular freckle that only I see.
It has been my privilege to be a student of
Carolyn since before our engagement. As I have studied her—seeking to learn
what pleases, excites, honors, encourages, refreshes, and helps her—my love for
her has only increased.
The truth that can
change your marriage
There is a truth that should be emblazoned
on the heart of every husband. If you remember nothing else from this article,
remember this:
In order for
romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you
touch her body.
This, gentlemen, is a truth that can change
your marriage. Nothing kindles erotic romance in a marriage like a husband who
knows how to touch the heart and mind of his wife before he touches her body.
Too often we reverse the order. We touch
her body prematurely and expect that she will respond immediately and
passionately. Normally that's not how it works.
Some of you have been married a relatively
short time, while others have spent decades with your wife. Whatever your
situation, we all have this in common: There is still much we can and should be
learning about that unique and precious woman who is our wife, that gift from
God to whom we have pledged our lifelong devotion. There are two primary ways
we can learn how to touch her heart and mind: by studying her and by asking her
questions.
If you have children living in the home,
then of all the questions you could ask her, this one is especially revealing:
Do you feel more
like a mother or a wife?
(If you don't have children at home,
replace "mother" with whatever role is likely to be in competition
with "wife." It might be something like "homemaker,"
"employee," or "professional." Then you can apply the
principles in this section to your specific circumstances.)
There can be a selfish, sinful tendency
among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken
for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a
mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause
many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But
please don't—I want this to be an encouragement to you.
There may be many children in your family,
from infants to 20-somethings. A variety of legitimate activities may consume
huge quantities of your wife's time. Health, finances, or other factors may
present significant, ongoing challenges. But whatever your situation, if you
make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church,
God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and
diseases, she can answer that question with joy: "I feel more like a
wife."
Not for a moment am I denying the
importance of a mother's role. Carolyn and I have four children (with our
grandchildren count continuing to rise). Motherhood is exceptionally important.
It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with
full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife's
primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are
being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands.
As for you, your primary role is not to
raise your children (or to excel in your career or immerse yourself in hobbies
or anything else) but to build a marriage by God's grace that reflects the
relationship between Christ and the Church. That's why the most effective
fathers are husbands who make it their aim to love their wives biblically.
Godly children, whose lives bring much
glory to the Lord and much delight to their parents, come from truly biblical
marriages. As you learn more and more how to love and lead your wife as Christ
does the Church, you will become a more godly, wise, loving, compassionate,
Christlike father to your children. And your wife will become more full of joy,
hope, and peace and will radiate more of the love and grace of God in all she
does.
Your children should be able to look at
your life and know beyond any doubt that they have the great privilege of being
the most important people in the world to you ... right after their mom.
Learning and
gathering
As a romancer of my wife, I know that my
essential role is that of a student and a planner. So I constantly keep my eyes
and ears open for ideas to record. I've been known not to hear my name called
in a doctor's office because I am furiously scribbling information from a
magazine article.
I keep track of good getaway spots, ideas
for dates, and many other bits of useful information. I know what to record
because I have studied my wife—her life, her preferences, and her
responsibilities—and have learned what makes her tick, romantically speaking.
And I learned a long time ago that no matter how amazed or impressed I am by an
idea or thought, I almost certainly will forget it if I don't write it down.
These notes are my building blocks for creating and cultivating a more romantic
marriage.
To learn how to touch your wife's heart and
mind, you must study her. Here are two lists that may be helpful. You can
probably add to them.
Do you know how to surprise and delight
your wife in specific ways in each of the following areas?
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